1
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:23,900
Uh-oh!

2
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:27,850
No need to sneak around, me old
top. I know the walk of shame

3
00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:29,500
when I see it.

4
00:00:30,850 --> 00:00:31,850
What are you two doing up?

5
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:33,850
It's the hottest day of the year, Tom.

6
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:34,850
We're making the most.

7
00:00:34,900 --> 00:00:36,850
It's going to be so hot there
was a warning on the news.

8
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:39,850
They say an OAP might
perish. We've got lollies.

9
00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:42,850
Now, come on, I want to know all about it.

10
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:44,850
- Somebody get some?
- Dad!

11
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,850
God have mercy! Don't
be so revolting, Ashley!

12
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:49,850
Just asking my son, did
you get some sugar?

13
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,850
Because it also said online

14
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:54,850
it's statistically the
randiest day of the year, too.

15
00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:57,850
Honestly, Ashley, your interest in
this is bordering on the incestuous.

16
00:00:57,900 --> 00:01:00,850
Incestuous? Don't be daft, Les!

17
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,850
All right! Well, I don't
fancy Tom. No offence.

18
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:04,850
None taken.

19
00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:05,850
He's not for everyone.

20
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:09,850
Personally, I won't intrude,
Tom. It's the 21st century.

21
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,850
Do as you will. Go out, cosy
up with a basic stranger,

22
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:13,850
contract what you like.

23
00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:15,850
- Contract?
- You know what I'm talking about.

24
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,850
- Which venereal disease is Kate
Moss wearing this season? - (Lesley!)

25
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:21,850
What? Yeah! I'm simply making
a satirical point, Ashley,

26
00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:24,850
because it turns out
that my son is a hussy.

27
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:27,850
Lesley, in the force, that would
be considered aggro conduct.

28
00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:29,850
No, I've given up caring,
Ashley. Gave up a long time ago,

29
00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:31,850
round about the time he
flunked Grade 2 flute.

30
00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:32,850
Where's that come from?

31
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:34,850
I could have played Fur
Elise better than that,

32
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,850
you baguette-fingered sop!

33
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:38,850
- Has she had her coffee, Dad?
- Sadly not.

34
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:40,850
Go out, get contracting
and get contracting quick

35
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,850
but I will not stand by your
bedside when my disease-addled son

36
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:46,850
shrivels up into the human
equivalent of a Kettle Chip.

37
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:49,850
Mum, I didn't have sex!

38
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:51,900
OK? I didn't have sex.

39
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:54,370
I didn't...

40
00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,700
.. get round to it.

41
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:05,850
- Pick up the cool box, Ashley.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Sorry?

42
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,850
You didn't get round to it?

43
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:09,850
I shouldn't have said that. I'm
not talking about it with you.

44
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,850
I'm just a bit stressed
out. Forget about it.

45
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,850
It's warming up outside.

46
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:16,850
- Was it nerves?
- What? No!

47
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,850
Didn't get round to it?

48
00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:21,850
Wasn't nerves. Look at
that! Nerves of steel.

49
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:25,850
- It's not doing anything.
- That's the point!... Steady hand.

50
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:30,850
You can't just hold your hand out
and expect to win back our respect.

51
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,300
HE LAUGHS

52
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:34,900
Oh, Tom!

53
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:40,850
Good morning, Vietnam! Blazin' out there!

54
00:02:40,900 --> 00:02:42,850
Morning.

55
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,850
This is Warner. It's baking
so he took his top off.

56
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,850
Oh. Hi, Warner. How you doing?

57
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,850
Yeah, good, ta.

58
00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:52,850
I love Coco Pops. I'm not
allowed them at home.

59
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:55,850
Right. Well, that's good.

60
00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,850
He's 18... Coffee, Warner?

61
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:01,850
- Can I?
- Yeah. Don't say it like that!

62
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:02,850
Hermione, can I have a...

63
00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:04,100
Sure.

64
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:08,850
I know! Bit of a wild night.

65
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:10,850
Hunting till the early hours,

66
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:13,850
tool it home with a grouse
slung over the shoulder,

67
00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:15,850
pluck it, stuff it, eat
it. Know what I mean?

68
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,850
Think so, yeah. He's quite young.

69
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,850
Daddy will just burst!

70
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:25,850
Sorry, Daddy! We can all have
inappropriate sexual partners!

71
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:26,850
SHE GIGGLES

72
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:28,850
Ha... So how did you...?

73
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:31,850
He's the skivvy on the block of
flats Dad's building in Reading.

74
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,100
Eek!

75
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:36,850
Ellen, eek!

76
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,300
Eek. Eek!

77
00:03:39,850 --> 00:03:40,850
Eek.

78
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,850
Added him on Facebook,
saw he was going to a club

79
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:46,850
and then I just bumped into him there.

80
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:48,850
Did you find out where he was clubbing

81
00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:50,850
and then go looking for
him there on your own?

82
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:53,850
I think he left Liverpool
because he did something bad.

83
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,850
Ssh! Ooh!

84
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:58,850
Hermione, you don't have to pretend
that you're happy about this.

85
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:02,850
Oh, Jesus, Ellen! I can literally
taste your jealousy in the air!

86
00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:05,850
I mean, God! So, so sorry you weren't
the only one to get sex last night(!)

87
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:08,100
I didn't get sex last night.

88
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:10,850
What?

89
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:13,850
So what happened? Oh, you didn't
forget your inhaler, did you?

90
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:16,850
There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm Steady Eddie, safe hands.

91
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:18,850
Ow! Oh, sorry. I thought
we were playing a game.

92
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:20,850
No! That hurt my hand!

93
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:21,850
So what happened?

94
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:24,850
So he came over for dinner.
It was all going really well,

95
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:26,850
having loads of fun, yada yada yada.

96
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,850
I'm hitting all my targets, 9pm, kissing,

97
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:31,850
10pm, dancing in her living room,
11pm, getting pretty handsy, and

98
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:32,850
I've basically got carte blanche,

99
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,850
not that I abused that right. Midnight...

100
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:37,850
We come to my room, I'm getting
into my stride, playing Enya.

101
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:39,850
It was the night. It
was obviously the night.

102
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:43,850
Then I realise I'm still
wearing my electronic tag.

103
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:45,850
I keep calling them cos
it's meant to be off by now,

104
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:48,850
but I just forgot in all the excitement.

105
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:49,850
So we're in bed.

106
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:51,850
I'm doing my thang.

107
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:54,850
Follow procedure. First
thing, boff! Bye-bye, blouse!

108
00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:57,850
That way, I can start loosening my
bugbear tight, high-waisted jeans.

109
00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,850
They're impossible! They're
like trying to peel a tomato!

110
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,850
Oh, just plunge them into boiling
water. Um, the tomatoes, not her.

111
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:05,850
He's sort of grunting
into my neck cos he can't

112
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:08,850
get my jeans off and I realise
there's just no way around it.

113
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:09,850
So I say...

114
00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:13,850
BOTH: "I'm exhausted. Maybe
we should just get some rest."

115
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:14,850
All of a sudden, just like that.

116
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,850
I mean, I wanted to, obviously.

117
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,850
And then she starts sleep-talking, Maeve!

118
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:21,850
I had loads of really angsty dreams
about the whole stupid situation,

119
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,850
me getting arrested and whatnot.

120
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:25,850
She's moaning, "Oh, officer, officer!"

121
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:28,850
The offending officer's supposed
to be coming round any day

122
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:30,850
to get this thing off,
and I keep calling him

123
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:32,850
because I'm certain it's overdue,

124
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,850
but he's not getting back to
me and it's stressing me out.

125
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,850
I can't believe she's having a
sexual fantasy about a policeman!

126
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,850
I mean, I'm meant to be
going over there after lunch.

127
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:40,850
What am I going to do? And then...

128
00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:44,850
As he left, I think he saw
some bumpf about the arrest,

129
00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:48,850
an envelope from the Met,
saw some piece of paper.

130
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:49,850
I don't think he realised what it was,

131
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:52,850
but he was scurrying out quite quick.

132
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,900
She's got paraphernalia,
police paraphernalia!

133
00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,850
I think it's her thing, Maeve, like a...

134
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:01,850
Fetish?

135
00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:04,850
Not easy, son. Don't judge
her, though, because...

136
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:07,850
Dad! Were you listening to that?

137
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,850
Well, a large portion, yes.

138
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,850
You get yourself into
some crap situations, Tom.

139
00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:13,850
Can I have some bloody privacy, please?

140
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:15,850
Get your own flat, chum!

141
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,850
I'm going to. I'm looking
into it. Just leave me alone!

142
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,850
- What are you going to do, Tom?
- Shush!

143
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:22,850
- I mean, she's copper crazy.
- Shut up! Stop it! Quiet!

144
00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:25,170
Calm, calm, calm, calm, calm!

145
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:28,850
The Rydales are not so easily spooked.

146
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:32,850
Speaking as an ex-policeman, it's not
uncommon, the whole copper fixation.

147
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:34,850
Mm, The Bill was popular for a reason.

148
00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:36,850
As was I, Les.

149
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:38,850
I don't want to talk about
it with you. Please!

150
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:42,900
We do not talk about it any more. Please!

151
00:06:49,850 --> 00:06:50,850
Fetishes are actually quite common.

152
00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:51,850
No, you're right, carry on(!)

153
00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:55,850
I like, you know, Weetabix and
cornflakes in the same bowl.

154
00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:58,440
That's not a bloody fetish, Ashley.

155
00:06:58,850 --> 00:06:59,850
You don't know how I eat them.

156
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:01,900
HE CLEARS THROAT

157
00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,850
- What are you thinking about?
- Nothing.

158
00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:10,570
Nothing at all.

159
00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:13,850
It's very hot.

160
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,850
- I used to have one of them
tags, you know. - Did you?

161
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:19,850
Naughty boy! How come?

162
00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:21,850
Got myself a live wire, Ellen.

163
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:22,850
Doesn't matter.

164
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,850
Oh, come on! You have to say now.

165
00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:27,850
"Sorry, Daddy." [SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

166
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:28,850
Seriously, you don't want to know.

167
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:31,170
Correction, I DO want to know.

168
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:35,900
Someone got killed and
I was tangled up in it.

169
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:39,300
Westside.

170
00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:43,850
Anyway, you can get them off,
you know. Me mate done it.

171
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:44,850
It's meant to be off.

172
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:47,850
I keep hassling them about it
but they're not getting back...

173
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:51,850
- I can show you how to do it, you know.
- Really? That'd be amazing.

174
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:54,850
What's running through your mind,
then, Thomas the Tank Engine?

175
00:07:54,900 --> 00:07:58,850
Nothing. Nada. De nada, sir.

176
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:01,850
Oh, that reminds me. I've got
to talk to you all about blood.

177
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:05,850
Oh, God! Hope we're not
still on fetishes, Les.

178
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,850
Is this a new dimension
to your sexual landscape?

179
00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:11,850
Oh, shut up, Ashley! I don't
have a sexual landscape.

180
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:12,850
Can we move on, please?

181
00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:13,850
Desert, more like.

182
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:14,850
Oh, that's absolutely rotten!

183
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:18,850
Desert's a landscape, Les?
Some things thrive there.

184
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:19,850
Well, I don't.

185
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,850
Well, sure, but a sidewinder snake or a...

186
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:23,850
- Dad!..
- devil scorpion.

187
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,850
Will any of you deign to
give blood with me later?

188
00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:29,900
Name-dropping, obviously,
but Kath Hedge, yeah?

189
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:35,850
Kath Hedge has asked me to recruit
as many people as possible.

190
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,850
- Who's Kath Hedge?
- Oh, no-one, Maeve(!)

191
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:40,850
Only the wife of Tory
councillor Barney Hedge, OBE.

192
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:44,850
Oh, God, not that man!
He's a Himmler-in-waiting.

193
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:45,850
Oh, shut up, Ashley!

194
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,850
He cares about business.
That's not a crime.

195
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,850
Right, who will part with some plasma?

196
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:53,850
It saps my energy, Mum. I can't.

197
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,850
Every time I give blood,
it just zonks me out, OK?

198
00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:58,850
Well, what do you need
energy for? Waiting around?

199
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:00,850
You require about as
much energy as a towel.

200
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:03,850
Fine! I'll probably vote Green anyway!

201
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,850
Wash your mouth out with soap!

202
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,850
So you stick it in the
freezer for about two hours.

203
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,850
Oh, yeah. I think I vaguely
remember my cousin, Sparks,

204
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,850
saying something about that.

205
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:12,850
Cos freezing it contracts the plastic.

206
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,850
Yeah, so you just knock
open the lock, right?

207
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:16,850
God, I feel like I'm on the
set of Coronation Street!

208
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:19,850
Hold on! Your cousin, Sparks, he
hasn't got a Superman tattoo, has he?

209
00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:21,850
Oh, my God! How do you know Sparks?

210
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,850
- Was in juvenile with him.
- You're kidding!

211
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:25,640
"You're kidding!"

212
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,850
Get out of his arse, bum chum!

213
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,570
I'm right here!

214
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:34,850
Warner, shall we just sit here
all day talking about criminals

215
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,850
we once knew or do you want
to go upstairs and have sex?

216
00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:38,850
I'm torn.

217
00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:39,850
I'll come upstairs.

218
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:42,900
Gutted, Ellen. Sayonara!

219
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,850
- What you doing in there?
- Nothing. Just...

220
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:39,850
Just getting something from there.

221
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,850
Well, I hate to be Sally
Specific, but what is that?

222
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,850
Honestly, Maeve, just leave it!

223
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:47,850
It's the randiest day of the year,
I'm about to go to the fetish flat

224
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:51,900
and I'm staring down the barrel of
afternoon sex. Please, let me be!

225
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,040
Hm.

226
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:06,850
DOOR BUZZES

227
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,850
He's early. Little geek!

228
00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:12,240
Tell him to wait in my bedroom.

229
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:15,900
Yes, your bloody Majesty(!)

230
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:20,100
Shit!

231
00:11:21,850 --> 00:11:22,850
Getting hot out there today.

232
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,850
Yes, I know.

233
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,850
You should be a weather man.
[SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

234
00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:29,040
All right, lad? Oh, hello.

235
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,850
Think I might take my top off
later, if I can be bothered.

236
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:33,850
That's my boyfriend.

237
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:37,850
We've had sex four times
in the last 12 hours.

238
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:40,850
Gosh, great. Yeah, good, yeah.

239
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,850
Once every three hours, then.

240
00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:44,850
Probably less regimented than
that, obviously, but, um...

241
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,850
- Can I get some water, please, cos I'm
feeling... - Ellen asked me to tell you

242
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:51,850
she'll be along shortly. You
should just wait in her bedroom.

243
00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:53,850
Oh, right. Crikey!

244
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:56,900
She's just getting, you know, ready.

245
00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:00,840
Oh, you know about...

246
00:12:01,850 --> 00:12:02,850
Fair enough.

247
00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:04,850
- You OK?
- Yeah, no, absolutely fine.

248
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:08,850
Just to be sure, I'm to get
ready as well? Sort of...

249
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,850
Er, yes...

250
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:11,850
Yes, Sergeant, I think you mean.

251
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:13,900
SHE FAKES A LAUGH

252
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,900
- OK. - Just... - Yeah.

253
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:25,850
Aargh! It's not working!

254
00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:28,850
Hm. If you didn't have the foot,
you could just slide it off.

255
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,850
What are you suggesting?

256
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:33,840
- It's called blue-sky thinking.
- Shut up!

257
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:50,850
You've got yourself into some
bother, haven't you, darlin'?

258
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:51,850
Want a bit?

259
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:54,850
I'm going to sleep with you
is what I'm going to do.

260
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,100
Sleep with you right proper.

261
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,300
Yeah, I'm going to just shag you.

262
00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:04,850
This isn't very dignified.

263
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,640
- For you or the chicken?
- Well, both.

264
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:10,850
Ow! That was my shin!

265
00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:13,900
I'm so sorry, Ellen(!) Believe it
or not, I've never done this before.

266
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:17,640
Hold on a minute!

267
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,700
Oh, no, you don't!

268
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:31,850
Oh! Can I help?

269
00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:34,850
- Are you doing this today,
then, are you? - Yes! What?

270
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:36,850
Well, you know, you're dealing with Ellen?

271
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:37,850
I beg your pardon?

272
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,850
Well, no, it's fine if you are.
It's just I've not been told so,

273
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,850
if you're taking care of her, then, um...

274
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:47,850
- well, I suppose I'm not needed, am I?
- No, you're not needed, thank you!

275
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:50,850
I'm sorry, I don't know who you
are or what sort of sick game

276
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:53,850
you think we're playing here, but I'm
the policeman around here nowadays.

277
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:55,850
I mean, did she ask you to come round?

278
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:57,850
Just left a couple of voice messages.

279
00:13:57,900 --> 00:14:00,850
No, she didn't, you
bloody beak-faced goon!

280
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:02,570
I'm sorry, sir.

281
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:04,850
That's fine.

282
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:07,850
Superintendent. So has this
case been upgraded, has it?

283
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:10,850
- Got a bit more serious?
- All right, you can drop all that stuff now.

284
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:12,300
Drop what?

285
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,850
- Oh, go away!
- Sorry?

286
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:22,850
I just can't do it at
all if I've got this on.

287
00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:25,850
I'm going to have to dodge it again.

288
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:28,240
Coming in two mins, Tom! Sorry!

289
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:31,900
OK, you can do this.

290
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:35,850
You're not pathetic,
you've got nice features.

291
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:37,850
Mum and Dad believe in you. Why
are you thinking about Mum and Dad

292
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:40,850
before sex? What's wrong with you?

293
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:43,100
Just pull yourself together!

294
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,240
Coming!

295
00:14:56,900 --> 00:14:58,440
Evenin', all.

296
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,850
Oh... what? What is happening?

297
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,100
Why?

298
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,240
No good?

299
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:15,850
I was not expecting that
at all. Police outfit?

300
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:18,850
- Perve! Perv-ect!
- What a dark horse.

301
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:23,850
Obviously, it's a bit out there, but
he's clearly just a very confident

302
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:26,850
sexual human being to just do that
right from the off out of nowhere.

303
00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:29,850
I'm in over my head and it's
sending me crackers, Maeve.

304
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:32,850
What, in Dad's uniform?
That is disgusting!

305
00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:34,850
So did you have a trot
around the docks, as 'twere?

306
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:37,850
Not a phrase I've massively
heard before in my life but...

307
00:15:37,900 --> 00:15:40,850
I couldn't, I just
couldn't. Got a new policy.

308
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,850
If I'm wearing an electronic tag,
I don't have sex with people.

309
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:44,850
That's my rule.

310
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,850
And I don't want to scare him off.

311
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,850
I've called my offender officer
again but he's not got back to me.

312
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:51,850
But I just said to Tom...

313
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,850
"Wouldn't it be even
more exciting to wait?"

314
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:54,850
What did he say?

315
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:56,850
Well, obviously, I repeatedly
said the word "No" loudly.

316
00:15:56,900 --> 00:16:01,850
He was quite hoarse from saying it. Gosh!

317
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,850
The man's a sexual beast!

318
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:06,850
Ow! Think I've got a splinter. Oh.

319
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,850
We got a visit from what I
can only assume was an ex.

320
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:10,850
He was in full police regalia.

321
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:11,850
Really?

322
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,850
It's hot today, isn't it?
It's close, isn't it, Maeve?

323
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:16,850
It's fecund. I feel all het up.

324
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:19,850
I feel like I need a
punch bag or something.

325
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:21,850
Give it a right good old punch!

326
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:22,850
Deep breaths, Tom.

327
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:25,850
Ooh! Now there's the face of
a man who's yet to get some

328
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,850
- treacle on his porridge,
as 'twere. - Oh, God!

329
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,850
And on the randiest day of the year, Tom.

330
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:31,850
Also known as the hottest
day of the year, Dad.

331
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:34,850
Just trying to give you
some stats about the day.

332
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:35,850
Cheer you up.

333
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:39,850
This is the undefeated champion
of the worst days in my life.

334
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,040
SOUND OF TENNIS MATCH ON TV

335
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:51,850
Is Mum sleeping or just staring at the...?

336
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:54,850
I honestly think she's just relaxing, Tom.

337
00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,850
Mm. She wanted the windows cleaned.
Called him in this morning.

338
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,900
SOUND OF TENNIS MATCH ON TV

339
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,850
I didn't know tennis was on.

340
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,850
Mm. Steffi Graf versus someone.

341
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,850
What, is it a veteran match or...?

342
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:10,850
Mm-mm-mm-mm. It's recorded.

343
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:14,850
- It's recorded?
- Yeah. 1988. Good old years.

344
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,850
Just felt like some tennis.

345
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:21,900
GRUNTS AND CRIES FROM TENNIS MATCH

346
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,850
It's everywhere!

347
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:35,850
It's everywhere I look and it's
sending me over the edge, Maeve!

348
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:36,850
I thought you'd be here sooner.

349
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:39,850
This tag is really getting
in the way of my life.

350
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:41,850
Well, hang on a minute. I did come earlier

351
00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:43,850
but there was a Superintendent here.

352
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:47,900
Must be an inter-borough thing.
Classic Stepney. Bloody buffoons!

353
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:53,850
There was a policeman here, wasn't
there? No. Not that I remember, no.

354
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:56,850
Well, then, I don't know what's going on.

355
00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:59,850
To be honest, I've been
feeling a bit fired up today.

356
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:00,850
I don't know why.

357
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,850
According to Facebook, it's
the randiest day of the year.

358
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:05,900
Hermione!

359
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,850
Well, I mean that would explain a lot.

360
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:11,700
It has been pretty randy out there today.

361
00:18:12,900 --> 00:18:14,970
A lot of randy incidents.

362
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:21,850
Well, shall we get... shall
we get you out of these, um...

363
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:25,850
shall we take that, um...
shall we take that off you now?

364
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:27,100
Yes!

365
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:31,850
This is the oldest depiction
of a couple having sex...

366
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:33,850
- Please, no!
- Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

367
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,850
.. hewn into rock about 11,000 years ago

368
00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:38,850
by the Natufians in Bethlehem.

369
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,850
This, Tommy, is the beginning of love.

370
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,850
And that is why people say this isn't sex,

371
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:46,850
this isn't a couple having sex,

372
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:50,850
this is lovers' embrace, face-to-face.

373
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:52,850
- What do you think, Tom?
- It looks like sex to me, Dad.

374
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:54,850
Don't get cocky, Tommy.

375
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,850
If you want sex, I'll give you
sex. There's sex on this machine.

376
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:58,850
I know what sex is, Dad.

377
00:18:58,900 --> 00:19:00,850
Not the time to show him porn, Dad.

378
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:03,850
I'm just saying it's the lovers' embrace.

379
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:05,850
It's more meaningful than sex.

380
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:07,850
Sex isn't everything.

381
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,850
- Stop saying sex!
- (I'm a sexual being,)

382
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,850
(you are a sexual being
and I will say sex.)

383
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:17,850
Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!

384
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:19,850
Sex!

385
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:21,850
I can't take it, Maeve. I
need someone to put me under.

386
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,850
Knock me on the head, knock
me out, bash me unconscious.

387
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:27,850
I need to kill all this
pent-up carnal energy in me.

388
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:28,850
Oh, I've been there, mate.

389
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:31,850
Last chance to give
blood, you selfish orks?

390
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:35,850
Sweet oblivion, I'm in!

391
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,040
Ah!

392
00:19:38,900 --> 00:19:41,850
HE MOANS

393
00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:43,850
Feeling good.

394
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:46,900
Feeling dizzy, the energy draining.

395
00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:50,440
Bye-bye, sex!

396
00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:52,850
BEEPING

397
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,900
Eh! It's, um, a bit fiddly. (It can be.)

398
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,900
Oh! All right?

399
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,850
Yeah, there we are.

400
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:05,850
Oh, my God! It's off! Yes.

401
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,850
Oh, my God! I'm free!

402
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,850
I'm free! I'm free! I'm free at last!

403
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:11,850
I'm going to get my phone.

404
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,850
- Oh, yes.
- Reminds me of 12 Years A Slave.

405
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:17,850
Not that I've seen it, but
it's just adorable is my point.

406
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,850
Very proud of her.

407
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,850
TOM SINGS TO HIMSELF

408
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:24,850
Oh, Maeve, this has done
just the job, I tell you.

409
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:27,850
I was going mad.

410
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,850
Oh, you're drinking after
giving blood, are you?

411
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:31,850
Yeah, I've killed the urge, Maeve.

412
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:32,850
Couple of pints,

413
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:36,850
watched an episode of Question
Time, read a pamphlet on STDs.

414
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:38,850
I've slain the ogre.

415
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:41,900
- HIS PHONE BEEPS
- Whoops-a-daisies! Oh, here she is.

416
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:46,900
Aw, sweet thing!

417
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:58,850
Oh, Jehovah! No, no, no!
That's sex! That's Ellen sex!

418
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:00,850
Oh, God! Oh, no!

419
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:01,850
Are you all right, Tom?

420
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:03,850
I've slain the ogre!

421
00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:05,850
Just when I needed him the most, the ogre!

422
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:06,850
I've forsaken the ogre!

423
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:07,850
Oh, Tom!

424
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,850
Would they put the blood
back in, do you think?

425
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:14,850
I don't... I mean... What have I done?

426
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:17,850
Oh, here we go. I've made
you a nice cup of tea.

427
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:21,850
Oh, thanks. Yeah, I may have overdone
it a bit. I'm feeling blurry.

428
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:23,850
Well, um, I put two teabags in, so...

429
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:27,850
Mm, good, get me pepped
up. God, big moment!

430
00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:29,850
The inaugural boff.

431
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:32,850
Oh, I better text her back, actually.

432
00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:35,850
Oh, no, you shouldn't gulp it down, Tom...

433
00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:37,850
Oh, deary, oh, leary!

434
00:21:37,900 --> 00:21:38,850
What is it?

435
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:42,850
Oh, deary, oh, leary,
I feel hot and teary!

436
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,850
Come on, lay it on me. Don't
hold back. This is Easy Sleep.

437
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:49,850
- Is your what now? - Um, Easy Sleep.
It's what I use to get off to sleep.

438
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:51,850
It's not tea?

439
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:54,850
Um, well, it is tea, technically,
but rather than tea leaves,

440
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:56,850
it's more Nopradolam.

441
00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:58,850
Right, and how long
does that take effect for

442
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:01,850
on a human with a full
portion of blood, sans booze?

443
00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:04,850
Well, I usually feel fine after
about half an hour, to be honest.

444
00:22:04,900 --> 00:22:06,850
- Not so bad, then.
- That's after I wake up, though.

445
00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:08,850
- How long do you go to sleep for?
- About 14 hours.

446
00:22:08,900 --> 00:22:10,570
That's a shame.

447
00:22:11,900 --> 00:22:14,850
Right, I've texted him.
Just got to dash out.

448
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,850
Oh, Warner's coming over, though.

449
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:19,850
We're shooting for double
figures in a 24-hour period.

450
00:22:19,900 --> 00:22:21,850
Sort of hoping you could hoof out, maybe.

451
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:24,850
I'm not hoofing out,
Hermione. I'm hoofing in!

452
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:25,850
I'm a coiled spring!

453
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,850
I'm a coiled spring that's been
put under a very heavy book

454
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:29,850
and that book is about to be lifted.

455
00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:32,850
And when it is, by the
grace of God, all the fire

456
00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,000
and lustre of heaven and
hell will be set loose!

457
00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:38,300
HE BELCHES

458
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:44,300
HE BELCHES

459
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:56,850
HE GROANS

460
00:22:56,900 --> 00:22:58,850

 If you want a lover

461
00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:03,900

 I'll do anything you ask me to

462
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:09,850

 And if you want another
kind of love... 


463
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:11,850
HERMIONE SOBS

464
00:23:11,900 --> 00:23:14,850
What the hell do YOU want?

465
00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:16,850
Oh, calm down, Herms! I thought
it was just a bit of fun.

466
00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:18,850
A bit of fun?

467
00:23:18,900 --> 00:23:19,850
That's a good thing. Fun's good!

468
00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:22,850
I've got a lot going on, Hermione.
I'm trying to get me life

469
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:25,850
back on track and I
just need a stable life.

470
00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:28,850
I'm stable! I'm fucking stable!

471
00:23:28,900 --> 00:23:31,850
- Who's calling me unstable?
- Hey, no-one is, love.

472
00:23:31,900 --> 00:23:35,900
Why can't I shag him? Dad
shags whoever he wants!

473
00:23:36,900 --> 00:23:41,850
I can't believe he's dumping me
on the randiest day of the year!

474
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:43,850
It... it is bad. Is Ellen in?

475
00:23:43,900 --> 00:23:47,850
I don't know how you
do things in Liverpool,

476
00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:49,850
but in my social bracket,
we don't just pick people up

477
00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:54,900
and then pop them down again
like a Neanderthal with a rock!

478
00:23:56,900 --> 00:23:58,850
He's ditching me, Ellen!

479
00:23:58,900 --> 00:23:59,850
SHE WAILS

480
00:23:59,900 --> 00:24:01,850
Maybe you should just wait in my room.

481
00:24:01,900 --> 00:24:04,850
The boy from the docks is ditching me!

482
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:05,850
Oh, no.

483
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:07,850
I've got to get off, mate.
I've got yoga in a minute.

484
00:24:07,900 --> 00:24:09,850
SHE WAILS

485
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:11,840
Just hold on a second.

486
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,900

 You know you can

487
00:24:16,900 --> 00:24:18,900

 I'm your man. 


488
00:24:21,900 --> 00:24:23,850
Is there anything I can do?

489
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:25,850
No, it's fine. Thanks, Ellen.

490
00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:26,850
Great.

491
00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:28,850
Just sit with me for a while.

492
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:32,850
Ah, OK. Well, Tom is just
waiting upstairs but...

493
00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:33,850
He'll understand.

494
00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:34,850
Oh, I don't know.

495
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:37,900
He's very understanding.
I've always said that.

496
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:47,850
I'm attractive, aren't I?

497
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,850
Yes, definitely.

498
00:24:49,900 --> 00:24:52,850
What's attractive about me? Lots?

499
00:24:52,900 --> 00:24:54,850
Yeah, shed loads, Hermione.

500
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:57,850
- Like what? - Um, can I
maybe tell you tomorrow, say,

501
00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:00,500
or I can just text you from upstairs?

502
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,900
I get it.

503
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:06,850
You can't think of anything
cos I'm an ugly, mouldy chimp!

504
00:25:06,900 --> 00:25:11,900
No, no, no, no! Um...
you have beautiful eyes.

505
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:18,900
Oh, and such nice hair. And
you wear lovely clothes.

506
00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:23,850
What? You're not going to try
and tongue me, are you, Ellen?

507
00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:26,850
Don't think it's fair
to take advantage of me.

508
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:27,850
I'm anyone's when I'm like this.

509
00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:29,850
Aw.

510
00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:34,850
Yeah, that's it. You, um... You
drink your way to... freedom.

511
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:36,850
Yeah.

512
00:25:36,900 --> 00:25:38,900
Just... back in a sec.

513
00:25:45,900 --> 00:25:47,900
SHE WHISTLES

514
00:26:02,900 --> 00:26:05,900
Ohh, Steffi!

515
00:26:10,900 --> 00:26:12,570
Brace yourself.

516
00:26:13,900 --> 00:26:15,500
You're nicked!

517
00:27:20,850 --> 00:27:21,850
Oh, God, have you got verrucas?

518
00:27:21,900 --> 00:27:23,850
No, because I always wear these.

519
00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:25,850
In fact, I quite often wear
a pair under my normal socks

520
00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:28,900
just in case I fancy a dip
at any point. What ARE you?

521
00:27:28,950 --> 00:27:33,500
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